Living with Alzheimer's/Dementia - Midweek Message 26th May 2021
Dear Friends,
You may be aware that Anthony Hopkins won an Oscar this year
for his performance in the film ‘The Father’ in which he plays an aging
man suffering from dementia. I haven’t
seen the film but even reading about the film resonated, having read a couple
of recent articles from different people caring for loved ones suffering from Alzheimer’s
or another form of dementia. One was written by a husband caring for his wife in
the last 6 years of her life and the other a daughter seeking to care for and
support her mother. Both articles revealed how painful and challenging it can
be for someone in that caring role, although they also contained hope. In
addition, there were some practical pointers for anyone wondering how best to
help someone - a friend or perhaps someone
in the church family - suffering from Alzheimer’s or dementia - or the
person(s) caring for them. I thought, therefore, I might quote a little from
both articles.
Robin Thomson writes:
What is the most important thing we can do for the person
living with Alzheimer’s, or other kinds of dementia? It’s easy to feel
powerless or uncomfortable.…. When my wife, Shoko, was diagnosed with
Alzheimer’s in 2012, we had no clue what lay ahead. Later, when the disease
really began to bite, we learned the hard way, as Shoko’s personality changed
and she lost her capacity in many areas of life. Despite this her affection
remained constant and it was a deeply spiritual journey. She died of heart
failure in 2018….
Friends have a vital role…. They can give
practical help across a range of areas, from food to financial matters, health
issues, going for a walk, help with transport, and more. One of our friends
turned up from time to time, bringing a complete meal which he left with us…..Friends
give the gift of their time by keeping in touch, whether through visits or
phone calls, letters or emails.
It isn’t always easy. Sometimes they (friends) may
visit and find their old friend changed, perhaps not recognising them…. they
may become discouraged and wonder if it is worthwhile to come again. But it is.
It brings pleasure at the time, even if the person forgets soon after. And,
crucially, it supports the caregivers too. If friends stop visiting, as
sometimes happens when the dementia continues over a long period, the
caregiver(s) can become isolated, especially if they have no other family… Friends
don’t forget. They don’t stay away. And they don’t give up….
Living with dementia, and caring for a person living with
dementia, are strange situations. The disease may come in stages: sometimes not
noticeable at all. There may still be a certain stigma to acknowledge it
openly. At what point do we speak about it? There are no rules; like any
relationship it needs our respect and sensitivity…1.
In her article Cynthia Fischer writes of her pain at the
loss of her relationship with her mother but then also reveals where she finds
hope:
When my mother, who already suffered from moderate
dementia, experienced a stroke earlier this year, her vocabulary of nouns
vanished….(as did) the names of people, places, and things she had known….
In one moment, all the stories she had ever told were never to be told by her
again…. Mother can’t recall my name without
prompting. She’s confused about where her bedroom is located in her home of 31
years… In so many ways, I’m unable to
communicate with her….
My mother can’t call on Jesus to help her. She’s no
longer clear who he is. She cannot seek God for peace. She cannot pray to him.
She cannot cry out to him—at least not in any verbal way. Who among us has
contemplated the end of our days and considered we might not be able to pray
aloud?....
When I read Psalm 139 I’m reminded that God… knows
absolutely everything about my mother. He knows all about her lying down, which
is most of her time (Psalm 139.vs2-3)
He knows about her anxious thoughts and
understands her words that we no longer understand (v4) He is behind and
before her (v5).
Mother resides in the depths of dementia’s sea, as it
were. And yet, as the psalmist proclaims: “even there your hand shall lead
me, and your right hand shall hold me” (v10). Darkness overwhelms
her memory. And yet “even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is
bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you” (v12) Dementia
is not too dark for God.
When I settle my heart, I know the only thing changed is
my mother’s memory. God has not changed. Our omnipresent God can go where I
cannot. He can minister to her soul despite her lacking knowledge of him. I
resonate with the psalmist who admits, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for
me” (v6)
I find deep hope and comfort that although I can’t
provide for my mother’s deep need for peace, God can. Dementia is not too dark
for the God who is fully present with her on this dim and murky path… The psalmist concludes by asking God to lead
him in the way everlasting (v24) So too I ask God to gently, in his
time, lead her to her everlasting home and into his glorious light.2
***
I trust that, as I did, you found in these articles much to
guide and encourage as we seek both to pray for and care for those suffering
from Alzheimer’s/Dementia and their carers,
Yours in that particular school of learning,
David
2 Cynthia S Fischer Dementia is not Dark to
God - you can find the whole article on the Gospel Coalition website here
posted by David Scott at
Wednesday, May 26, 2021
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